This is Not A Running Manual

This Is Not A Running Manual: A Five-Part Saga of Suffering (and Maybe Some Fun?)

By

Edward “Ned” Abbott

(Not intended as a running manual. Proceed with caution.)

Chapter 1: The Grand Delusion (aka Getting Off Your Ass)

So, you've decided to take up running, huh? Bless your heart. Forget all that garbage about "finding your inner athlete." Our goal here isn't to unleash some hidden gazelle. It's to convince this inner sloth to put on pants (optional) and shuffle out the door.

• 1.1 The Myth of the "Runner's Body": Runners come in all shapes and sizes. The only requirement is a body that is currently running (or at least attempting to).

• 1.2 The Gear (or Lack Thereof): Don't go emptying your bank account just yet. That old t-shirt? Perfect. Those ancient shorts? Even better. Comfort is key to avoid chafing in unexpected places. (Gear)

• 1.3 The First Forays (aka The Walk of Shame): Your first few "runs" might involve more walking than running. That's okay. Think of it as "strategic walking breaks." Embrace the suck.

• 1.4 Finding Your Soundtrack of Suffering: Running can be boring. The right playlist can be your best (and only) friend. Find what makes the time (and the pain) slightly more bearable.

  • Why My Running Playlist is My Best Companion: Music can distract you from the mental chatter and the burning legs. Aim for a BPM (beats per minute) around 120-140 to potentially sync with your natural cadence. Experiment and find what you enjoy!

• 1.5 The Mental Gymnastics (aka Lying to Yourself): "Just five more minutes." "Just to that lamppost." Embrace these lies. They're part of the process.

Congratulations! You've completed Chapter 1. You're on your way! (To what, exactly, is still up for debate.)

Chapter 2: The Art of Not Dying (aka Basic Training)

Alright, you haven't quit yet. Surprising. Now it's time to get slightly more serious. We're aiming for a level of fitness where you can, say, outrun a particularly aggressive squirrel.

• 2.1 The Incremental Torture (aka Gradually Increasing Mileage): Increase your running distance gradually. Listen to your body. If it screams in protest, maybe back off a bit.

• 2.2 The Magic of Consistency (aka Showing Up Even When You Don't Want To): The real secret is simply showing up consistently. Even short, pathetic little runs count as deposits in your "fitness bank."

• 2.3 The Cross-Training Diversion (aka Doing Other Stuff So You Don't Hate Running): Cross-training (swimming, cycling, etc.) helps build overall fitness and can prevent overuse injuries. Cross Training 

  • Walking: Your Unsung Hero: Walking builds muscular endurance with less impact, crucial for ultra distances. Incorporate power hiking, recovery walks, and long, easy walks.

  • Weight Work: Building Your Inner Fortress: Weight training strengthens muscles, protects from injury, and improves running efficiency. Focus on bodyweight exercises (squats, lunges, planks, push-ups, glute bridges) and resistance bands.

  • Cycling: Low-Impact Cardio and Muscle Variety: Cycling provides cardiovascular benefits with less joint stress and engages different muscle groups. Even short, easy rides can be beneficial.

• 2.4 The Hydration Hustle (aka Not Turning Into a Human Raisin): Drink water throughout the day, not just before a run. Don't forget electrolytes on longer runs.

• 2.5 The Nutritional Noodle (aka Fueling Your Suffering): Focus on a balanced diet with carbohydrates for energy, protein for muscle repair, and healthy fats.

You've made it through basic training! You're probably running a little further and a little more consistently. Progress!

Chapter 3: The Long and Winding Road (aka Embracing the Miles)

So, you're actually enjoying this a little bit? Or at least tolerating it? Congratulations, you might be a masochist. This chapter is where we start venturing into longer distances.

• 3.1 The Long Run Ritual (aka Preparing for Extended Torture): Gradually increase the distance of one weekly run. Don't be afraid to walk. The goal is time on your feet.

• 3.2 The Fueling Fiasco (aka What to Eat When You're Running for Hours): Experiment with different energy gels, chews, or real food on long runs to find what your stomach can handle.

• 3.3 The Hydration Horror Show (aka Avoiding the Desert Within): Carry water or electrolytes on long runs, or plan routes with water stops. Recognize early signs of dehydration.

• 3.4 The Art of Pacing (aka Not Going Out Like a Blazing Idiot): Learn to run at a conversational pace. If you can belt out opera, you're probably going too slow.

• 3.5 The Mental Marathon Within the Marathon (aka Distracting Your Brain): Listen to podcasts, audiobooks, or mentally plan your grocery list. Break the run down into smaller chunks.

You're now logging some serious miles. You're becoming a real runner… a slow, slightly smelly, but persistent one.

• Accountability: Accountability 

  • Run Clubs: Your Tribe of Treadmillers (or Trailblazers!): Joining a run club provides accountability, social support, inspiration, potential guidance, safety, varied routes, and even a performance boost.

  • The Power of the Running Buddy: Your Personal Cheerleader (and Taskmaster!): A running partner offers strong accountability, shared experiences, mutual encouragement, more fun, consistent routines, and friendly competition. Social connection is a powerful motivator.

  • Race Day Commitment: Your Wallet's Motivation!: Investing financially in a race provides a clear goal, financial incentive, a tangible milestone, and makes your goal feel more real.

  • Speaking of Costs… How Much Does This Race Commitment Cost? Let's Talk Money! 

    • Ultramarathons: Entry fees can range from $80-$150+ for shorter ultras (50K) to $200-$400+ for 100-milers, and $600-$1000+ for 200+ mile races. Additional costs include travel, hotels, crew/pacers (potentially), specialized gear, and nutrition/hydration. The average for a 200-mile race is around $650 (estimate).

    • Trail Races: Generally less expensive. Shorter races (5K/10K) might cost $30-$60, while longer trail races (half marathon, 25K/50K) range from $60-$100+. Costs cover permits, timing, aid stations, medals, and shirts.

    • General Money-Saving Tips: Longer races cost more, location matters, check what's included, sign up early for discounts, and consider informal "Fat Ass" races.

Chapter 4: The Recovery Rodeo (aka The Art of Not Falling Apart)

Congratulations, you're putting in the miles. But all that running takes a toll. This chapter is about the often-neglected art of recovery.

• 4.1 The Post-Run Pilgrimage to the Couch (aka Immediate Recovery): Refuel with carbohydrates and protein within an hour. Rehydrate. Stretch.

• 4.2 The Active vs. Passive Debate (aka To Move or Not to Move): Active recovery (light activity) can help. Passive recovery (doing absolutely nothing) is also important. Find a balance.

• 4.3 The Sleep Sanctuary (aka Your Secret Weapon): Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep for muscle repair and overall recovery.

• 4.4 The Soft Tissue Symphony of Suffering (aka Foam Rollers and Other Instruments of Torture): Foam rolling and massage guns can release muscle tension and improve flexibility.

• 4.5 The Nutritional Nirvana (aka Eating for Repair): Continue to focus on a balanced diet with enough protein. Anti-inflammatory foods can also aid recovery.

You're now a recovery expert! You understand that sleep is your superpower. You're practically a finely tuned (albeit slightly creaky) athletic machine!

• Injury:

  • Evaluation is key: When something feels off, assess the type of pain, location, what you were doing, how it feels now, and if it affects your movement. Seek professional help for sharp, significant pain or pain that doesn't improve.

  • The Power of R.I.C.E. (and maybe a little more!):

    • Rest: Back off from the activity causing pain. Consider complete rest or very light cross-training.

    • Ice: Apply an ice pack wrapped in a towel for 15-20 minutes several times a day.

    • Compression: Use a snug (but not too tight) elastic bandage to reduce swelling.

    • Elevation: Elevate injured limbs above your heart to minimize swelling.

  • The Magic of Movement: Stretching and Mobility: Once acute pain subsides, incorporate gentle dynamic stretches before light activity and static stretches after. Focus on the muscles around the injured area.

Chapter 5: The Why (aka Existential Musings of a Slightly Damp Runner)

We started with the "how" (sort of), and now we arrive at the "why." Why put yourself through this? Why embrace the discomfort, the early mornings, the questionable fashion choices?

For me, it boils down to a simple desire: to be a slightly better version of myself each day. It's about the consistent, incremental improvement that ultramarathon running embodies. It's the work – the foam rolling, the solitary miles, the sacrificed social events – that leads to the profound rewards: the emotional release of finishing, the pride in the eyes of loved ones, the surprised admiration of acquaintances.

The reasons to run, especially to run long distances, are deeply personal. Just as a million runners would offer a million different motivations, my explanation is simply that: mine. This wasn't a manual, but hopefully, it offered a glimpse into why one slightly damp, occasionally smelly, and perpetually bewildered runner keeps putting one foot in front of the other.

Maybe, just maybe, you'll find your own "why" out there on the road or the trail. And that, my friend, is a journey worth taking, toenails and squirrel hallucinations be damned.